April 2nd

Wow, this has been one whirlwind of a month. I’ve had ups and downs and tons of craziness, so I’ll try to be brief and summarize it. My stomach pain from binging has inspired me to write again, and possibly not eat ever again. Oh my freaking lanta. I’m also going to be taking taking a daily photo of myself to add as the featured image to the posts – you know, to motivate myself. Eventually I’ll like what I see. Ugh.

Okay, quick summary… I’ve started hanging out a little with Maddi again, my weed-smoking long-time friend. Hallelujah. I’ve also settled things for the most part with Kait, who I had a bit of a falling out with. I’ve started going to a tanning salon, although it’s wrecking my skin. I’ve been waking up at 5:30am every morning to go swimming, but after a week I’m super sick of it. We’ll see if I continue it or not. I was eating badly, and then I ate SUPER healthy and balanced for awhile, and now I’m back to eating nothing with the occasional binge. Not exactly the healthiest, but it’s where I’m at right now. I’ve seen the eating disorder specialist who wants to help me, but I really want to lose weight, so who the hell knows what will happen. I’ve officially quit the ADTP program because I hated it and the kids scared me. I’ve been getting a bit of schoolwork done – not a lot, but I’m improving. Nothing done today, which probably has something to do with the fact that I’ve stopped eating; I have hardly any energy. I’ve also been applying like a maniac for nannying jobs, which my parents gave me permission to go after, and hopefully I’ll get one started soon and be able to start raising money for university and all that. I’m probably not gonna go to university until 2014 now, which I don’t mind. I need a year to work and recover (and get skinny!).

So I’m pretty torn right now between wanting to lose weight fast and wanting to have all the energy and endorphins and seratonin that comes with eating healthy and exercising. It’s a very frustrating situation. I’m exhausted and I don’t know what to do. Life just kind of sucks right now. I did so good for a few weeks as far as physical and mental health go, but a couple days off of it and I’m back to exhausted and moody. Is it all worth it? Can I hold on for the next few months until I lose the weight, and then go back to being a healthy human being? I don’t know. Blehhhhh.

Well, that’s what’s been going on with me. Life can be such a rollercoaster sometimes. I hope you all are doing well and having a fabulous spring so far. Have an awesome evening!

– West Coast Girlfriend


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