I’m freaking out right now. Completely, utterly freaking out. I had a tiny piece of cheese pizza earlier, which would have been fine if I hadn’t had a slice of quasedilla and then a freaking ice cream bar. This diet thing isn’t working. I can’t stick to it. My whole self worth is completely tied into my weight loss and I’m failing at it. I get heavier every day. My only option is to stop eating completely, and I’m not even sure I can do that. I have to convince myself that food is evil, but no matter how big I write it on my arm I don’t stick to the diet. I drank so much tea and ice water today and was so proud, but I cheat more and more as the day goes on. My only option is hiding out in my room away from the work. Which will be good for my schoolwork, but not for my social life. My family will get concerned.
Every time I eat I wish I was brave enough to throw it up, but I don’t want to rot my teeth, and I really hate throwing up. Seriously. I know how bad eating disorders are but I’m getting desperate. I’m an all-or-nothing kind of girl – I can’t just “diet,” I either eat or I don’t. And I guess the option right now is to not. I want my garcinia cambogia to get here, because something has to change. I’m so horrified. I need to start exercising too; I just can’t make myself. I’m so lazy and awful; I’m really starting to hate myself. I constantly think that if I could only be thinner, I’d be so much happier. This is the one thing in my life that I have power over, and I suck at it. It’s so empowering when I lose weight and stay strong, but I give up so easily.
I need a hobby to take up all my time, one that isn’t schoolwork. Obviously I need to be getting schoolwork done, but it’s just too exhausting to work all the time, and if I don’t keep myself occupied constantly I just eat. I’m a bored eater and an emotional eater. I wish I could make myself obsessed with exercise, because that would kill two birds with one stone; hopefully tomorrow I can start that and make it work – that would be SO SO SO helpful. I don’t know what to do and I’m so afraid I’m gonna mess this up. I can’t become fatter.
My goal is reasonable – 150 lbs, right? I would feel even better about myself if I could say I weighed 80 though, but that might be obnoxiously light for someone 5’7”. I’ll never forget being in cheerleading when I was 12 and the coach’s daughter, prettiest girl on the team, constantly called herself a fat cow for weighing 88 pounds. I’d love to be under 100. That would be a dream come true. But that would take so long to accomplish. I just want to be skinny by summer, that’s all. And I want to keep every pound I lose off. No fluctuating, no mistakes.
And that’s the problem. I have such lofty goals for myself and no motivation to complete them. Maybe I should take up writing short stories or fanfics or something, or at least blog constantly. I should write poems and stuff. I’m actually really creative, or at least I used to be. I should spend all my time writing and maybe I wouldn’t eat constantly like a pig. If only I had less supervision. I’m a little worried about them making me eat when I start the anxiety disorder schooling program, but I think I can tell them that I get anxious over eating in public, and they’ll let me “eat at home.” That should work. See?! I have so many great ideas, but I can never execute them. I’m too weak, too wishy-washy, too much of a pushover. I don’t know what to do!! I need something to change. I need it. I just want to be skinny and pretty. That’s all. If anyone has any awesome tips, I’d love to hear them.
– West Coast Girlfriend